Ghosts of Japan

these folk are present in japan's entire history. we've all seen numerous tales of this culture, with the Ghosts lurking in dark alleyways, treading carefully on rooftops, and crouching in the shadows. often dressed in dark clothing head to toe, they seemed to effortlessly blend in to their surroundings, cleverly going unnoticed by the general public. even in modern japan, i sometimes catch a brief glimpse of these shady, classically japanese characters. i'm talking, of course, about neighbors.

during my limited study of japanese lifestyle, i've derived that the home is the most sacred place around. in public, 'tis a life governed by rules and status quo. don't make too much noise, apologize for everything, and don't inconvenience others. inside the home, it's decompression mode. a complicated array of shutters, bars, curtains, gates, and locks completely distance the outside world, and privacy is paramount.

living in an apartment complex makes this seclusion a bit more difficult to achieve. it becomes necessary to move stealthily from one's flat to the street, blending into society before anyone has a chance to realize where you've just come from and -gasp- determine where you live. it's my natural reaction to say hello to and perhaps talk small with my neighbors, but often this invokes petrification in the target individual. although i continue to attempt corny jokes in japanese, i'm learning to be happy with a head nod or flinch in return.

the lift here uncomfortably fits three slim people. temporarily ignoring the Great Elevator Boycott of 2010, i entered said elevator with a friend the other day, much to the dismay of my poor neighbor (already occupying the small space). i said hello, which i think he quietly returned. then i laughed and commented, in discernible japanese, about the lack of space in the elevator. i felt touched when, against all his will, he nearly made eye contact and grunted in agreement! i really think i'm making progress, and this building'll be americanized in no time.

bachelor party

yesterday i found myself febreezing the sink.

immediately after keeling over with laughter in my tiny-ass kitchen, i thought it might be nice to share with you some of my more amusing recent habits. after all, the single life reveals some incredibly cuttable corners.

1. laundry.
i've effectively separated my apparel into three, convenient categories. the first, and most troublesome, includes all my negligents, t-shatsu, and remaining miscellaneous undergarments. this is the "should wash" category. it's directly responsible for the past three laundry days, all of which have been rainy.

category number two is "wash as needed". this is basically everything that contacts the outside world, but not necessarily me (obviously implying that i'm the dirtier of the two). if i haven't yet spilled chocolate sauce or wasabi on it, then it sure as hell isn't taking up valuable space in the laundry basket.

the third is so easy that i hardly give it any thought a'tall. as you may have already deduced, this is the "don't fucking wash ever" category. in this one we find things like sweaters, suits, and random articles with pictures of my face on them.

2. shopping.
grocery shopping can be a startling problem for us all. it requires a certain amount of meal planning, dietary considerations, and at times bargain hunting. in a country full of kanji, this problem is multiplied by 十, or perhaps even 百. in the face of so many illegible ingredients, i've simply reduced my inventory of recipes. when i'm cooking for others, i still maintain the precepts of preparation, flavor, and presentation. when it's just me and the H man, however, things are ever so much easier. generally, spicy fried rice surprise is not only easy and tasty, but it has all the body needs, and leaves you with that euphoric capsaicin sensation!

3. fashion.
i've found that for the first time in my life i'm dressing myself occasion-appropriate. this is probably caused by a combination of living in such a fashionable society and ploying for the attention of the lay-dayz. i'm distressed by the holes in my socks, i often feel like my wardrobe is "incomplete", and i actually find myself pausing longer than usual outside the windows of fancy, modern clothing shops. "check the embroidery on the left rear pocket of them jeans" i think. "that would look killer with the purple unisex v-neck pocket-T a few shops back."

"The Bachelors Remix", by RJD2 - In Rare Form...Unreleased Instrumentals

"The Singleman Party Foxtrot", by Simon and Garfunkel - The Graduate

...Spell Check.

money for nothin

i have so many f'ing jobs, the hardest part is keeping them straight. i simply couldn't do it without horace! little guy's like a second brain.

my latest gig is perhaps the most interesting yet. i landed a job commentating soccer matches for the local J1 (professional) team, Vissel Kobe. maybe not as exciting as it first sounds... i don't sit in a booth, wear a tie, or have my ticket paid for. nay, i commentate via cell phone to one guy sitting in front of a computer. he in turn updates a web system. the web system broadcasts the game "live" to tens, hundreds, or thousands (i have no idea how many) of viewers interested in tracking the progress of the bets they previously placed on said game through said web system.

i don't know where the viewers are, or what they use for currency, but i like to think that there are millions of {insert unknown currency} riding on my every word. it kind of provides a little pressure to perform. i don't have to mention player names or use fancy adjectives, just basically state which team has possession and where they are on the football pitch (that's "soccer field" for any americans who may be reading).

i was a bit surprised at the stress early on, as i struggled to not confuse home and away, free kicks and throw-ins, quick changes in possession, etc. i made a few small mistakes, including missing a yellow card (shhhhh......), but i think i got all the important stuff right. i had occasional help from my british mate (that's friend, again for the americans) who understands the sport a great deal more than myself. i plan to get in on a lot more of this hot, non-stop action, and maybe eventually move on to sumo (if only to satisfy bro-san's vicarious desires).

the atypical office setting. a retractable dome which was closed today due to rainy weather. pretty cool to be in a dome, but holy shit, LOUD. at times tough to hear the broken english of my cellular counterpart.

poo parking. 24 hours!

pronoun-ciation

'eem recalls a silly semantic status.

back in 'eem's day, the age old "got him" was for a time cleverly and deliberately mispronounced "got 'eem" by 'eem of high social standing. this catchy phrase was generally employed immediately post-prank. quite annoyed by this ridiculous mutation of middle-class american english, 'eem and 'eem's main man collectively decided that "him" should best not remain the sole victimized pronoun. "nay", 'eem decided. " 'eem'll be comprehensive, or 'eem simply shan't find purchase in modern society" 'eem thought. henceforth, 'eem's vocabulary evolved in a manner quite unorthodox, albe'eem incredibly entertaining.

'eem mostly enjoys the construction of new english. here and there a new challenge is presented, and furthermore 'tis unknown to 'eem. when 'eem get's into an etymological rhythm, 'eem can quite easily bore with 'eem's native tongue. instead, 'eem recommends branching out, expanding 'eem's vocabulary in ways unexplored and unexpected by 'eem. there are perhaps numerous other undiscovered universal pronouns at 'eem's disposal, but unless 'eem experiments daily, 'eem'll never realize 'eem's true linguistic potential.

"These Are My Twisted Words", by Radiohead

"Words That I Manifest (Remix)", by Gang Starr - Full Clip - A Decade of Gang Starr

"What Deaner was Talking About", by Ween - Chocolate and Cheese

Interview Prep with Lil' Mikey

1. Forget to bring something, ideally the only thing you were asked to present.

2. Forget the meeting time. Instead, arrive an hour early.

3. Find holes in your "sweet" pants moments before the arranged (and forgotten) meeting time.

4. Get uncomfortably high on caffiene whilst killing the aforementioned blown hour.

By following these simple steps, you'll operate with a relaxed, "fuck it" attitude, and surely gain the upper hand!

ocular wounds revisited

the other day i taught the same class of japanese children what hosted my debut as a babysitter children's english teacher. i remember the first time, i was completely unprepared, and ran out of activities after five minutes. there were bloody noses, kids climbing out of windows, and others picking my pocket. absolutely no control.

this time, there was no struggle, and i actually enjoyed it. while still not as natural as teaching adults, it made me realize that anything can be accomplished through experience. i don't think this idea is quite applicable to neurosurgery or explosive diffusion, but i'm pretty sure i can learn to do almost anything.

this one goes out to all'y'all causing me to clean my shoes 'bout once a month or so. you know who you are.

Hate, hate, hate!

As if being incessantly hunted And devoured wasn't enough, squid in the J are now being persecuted for common daily behaviors. They can't get cell phone contracts from any of the major providers, their mp3 downloads are restricted, and the sign on vending machines clearly reads "no Cephalopods allowed." Honestly, it's absolute madness! Surely they'd steer clear if it weren't for the relatively high wages.