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before making my home the J, i had but three images of this long, skinny place. Samurai, Sushi, and Sumo. sushi is old news at best, as i easily ate it more often in God's Country than here it's native land. samurai are quite hard to come by these days, although i did see a bunch of dudes dressed like ninjas during my last visit to himeji castle. thus, of my cultural japanese experiences was left sumo. (i understand that geisha can be found on occasion hurriedly wandering the streets of kyoto, but as "geisha" doesn't start with "s", it doesn't fit into my sweet quip.)

after much prodding from my incredibly astute brother (recently more commonly referred to as "bro-san"), i decided to inherit his initiative. i quickly discovered that the 2010 March Grand Sumo Tournament was to be held in Osaka, more or less the next city over. more importantly, the cheap seats only cost two grand. i was on it at once.

i enlisted the help of a real japanese person to help me understand the finer points of the national sport. unfortunately, we arrived too late for the nosebleeds, and had to shell out a few extra G's. as usual when it comes to money, i thought "fuck it". "when's the next time i'll get to see sumo?" i said. indeed, possibly the best money yet spent in this great, long, skinny land. i quickly realized the next time i'll get to see sumo will hopefully be incredibly soon...

here are some of the day's highlights:

front of osaka prefectural gymnasium. didn't look like much, but housed some of the biggest asians i've ever seen. there were so many gaijin (aliens; foreigners) attending the event, at times i felt i was in NYC or something. on one street corner, i actually felt i was a part of the majority. i've recently been asking every japanese person i know if they've been to sumo or not. mostly the response is "no". further explanation is almost always the same. they explain that a long time ago, the best rikishi (sumo wrestlers) were japanese. now, most of the really good ones are gaijin, and this bothers many of the natives. i generally implore them to simply eat more, and try a bit harder.

outside and inside, there were tons of rikishi. my jaw dropped at every single one of them. "holy shit! it's a sumo wrestler!!! wow, there's another!" it went on like this for HOURS.

the matches start at something like 8:45 in the AM. there aren't more than 10 people in the crowd until round about 2. these guys are represent the lower level, and don't bother much with all the fancy showmanship. pretty much all biznass with these malnourished mofos.

two words.... MIS MATCH. little man got bounced with the quickness.

this is the scoreboard. the top row reps "nishi" (west), and the bottom row reps "higashi" (east). each pair is a match. i couldn't read any of it.

prior to the main event, all the higher level dudemen come out and parade around the ring.

the crowd gathers around 3, the telecast begins around 4.

gaijin standoff. homeboy on the left is Kotoshu, an abnormally large bulgarian. other guy is Baruto from estonia. he pretty much cleaned up this tournament, and subsequently got promoted to the next skill level (ozeki). both of them have a solid shot at being the first european yokozuna. speaking of estonia, anyone remember encino man? i always thought they made that country up.

at the beginning of every match, this guy gets up and sings "nishi" followed by the rikishi's name, then "higashi" followed by the rikishi's name. then the mentioned wrestlers enter the ring and prep themselves for battle.

yokozuna is the highest achievable skill level. last month, the sumo world was shocked by the news of asashoryu's retirement. he was a mongorian yokozuna with an attitude problem, and was more or less forced to withdraw by the incredibly conservative sumo community. imagine if every american football player who fucked up off the field were forced to quit playing. it's kind of like that. anyways, this is hakuho, currently the only yokozuna. he is also mongorian. it's my understanding that they have a sport quite similar to sumo there, which is why so many of them kick ass.

this is my main man. takamisakari is reppin' nishi (left side). i don't really have a good reason for favoring him. i've seen him on TV outside of the ring wearing glasses, which maybe makes him seem a bit deeper than most. he's a crowd pleaser, as you can tell. he lost this match, but he was the most spectacular loser of the whole day.

here go a prime example of the build-up. for the seasoned viewer, the time leading up to the match is ever so much more exciting than the match itself. basically it involves flexing on your opponent until the adrenaline reaches the proper level, and a silent agreement allows the bout to commence. back in the day this pre-match hard-assness was allowed to continue indefinitely. some time ago, it was limited to 10 minutes, and then recently to four minutes.

in short, i've never had so much fun in japan, the two rikishi i was rooting for lost, and hakuho won the tournament with an impressive 15 and 0 record. at the green age of 25, i've heard tell that he is on track to be the winningest yokozuna ever. i left the venue wondering if i can take him, and also where i can score one of those sweet g-strings.

english time!!!

cigarette smokin' pieces of shit, entre.

and bagel.

oh boy, does she ever know muffin..... the best part about bad japanese english is it's startling efficiency.

Ghosts of Japan

these folk are present in japan's entire history. we've all seen numerous tales of this culture, with the Ghosts lurking in dark alleyways, treading carefully on rooftops, and crouching in the shadows. often dressed in dark clothing head to toe, they seemed to effortlessly blend in to their surroundings, cleverly going unnoticed by the general public. even in modern japan, i sometimes catch a brief glimpse of these shady, classically japanese characters. i'm talking, of course, about neighbors.

during my limited study of japanese lifestyle, i've derived that the home is the most sacred place around. in public, 'tis a life governed by rules and status quo. don't make too much noise, apologize for everything, and don't inconvenience others. inside the home, it's decompression mode. a complicated array of shutters, bars, curtains, gates, and locks completely distance the outside world, and privacy is paramount.

living in an apartment complex makes this seclusion a bit more difficult to achieve. it becomes necessary to move stealthily from one's flat to the street, blending into society before anyone has a chance to realize where you've just come from and -gasp- determine where you live. it's my natural reaction to say hello to and perhaps talk small with my neighbors, but often this invokes petrification in the target individual. although i continue to attempt corny jokes in japanese, i'm learning to be happy with a head nod or flinch in return.

the lift here uncomfortably fits three slim people. temporarily ignoring the Great Elevator Boycott of 2010, i entered said elevator with a friend the other day, much to the dismay of my poor neighbor (already occupying the small space). i said hello, which i think he quietly returned. then i laughed and commented, in discernible japanese, about the lack of space in the elevator. i felt touched when, against all his will, he nearly made eye contact and grunted in agreement! i really think i'm making progress, and this building'll be americanized in no time.

bachelor party

yesterday i found myself febreezing the sink.

immediately after keeling over with laughter in my tiny-ass kitchen, i thought it might be nice to share with you some of my more amusing recent habits. after all, the single life reveals some incredibly cuttable corners.

1. laundry.
i've effectively separated my apparel into three, convenient categories. the first, and most troublesome, includes all my negligents, t-shatsu, and remaining miscellaneous undergarments. this is the "should wash" category. it's directly responsible for the past three laundry days, all of which have been rainy.

category number two is "wash as needed". this is basically everything that contacts the outside world, but not necessarily me (obviously implying that i'm the dirtier of the two). if i haven't yet spilled chocolate sauce or wasabi on it, then it sure as hell isn't taking up valuable space in the laundry basket.

the third is so easy that i hardly give it any thought a'tall. as you may have already deduced, this is the "don't fucking wash ever" category. in this one we find things like sweaters, suits, and random articles with pictures of my face on them.

2. shopping.
grocery shopping can be a startling problem for us all. it requires a certain amount of meal planning, dietary considerations, and at times bargain hunting. in a country full of kanji, this problem is multiplied by 十, or perhaps even 百. in the face of so many illegible ingredients, i've simply reduced my inventory of recipes. when i'm cooking for others, i still maintain the precepts of preparation, flavor, and presentation. when it's just me and the H man, however, things are ever so much easier. generally, spicy fried rice surprise is not only easy and tasty, but it has all the body needs, and leaves you with that euphoric capsaicin sensation!

3. fashion.
i've found that for the first time in my life i'm dressing myself occasion-appropriate. this is probably caused by a combination of living in such a fashionable society and ploying for the attention of the lay-dayz. i'm distressed by the holes in my socks, i often feel like my wardrobe is "incomplete", and i actually find myself pausing longer than usual outside the windows of fancy, modern clothing shops. "check the embroidery on the left rear pocket of them jeans" i think. "that would look killer with the purple unisex v-neck pocket-T a few shops back."

"The Bachelors Remix", by RJD2 - In Rare Form...Unreleased Instrumentals

"The Singleman Party Foxtrot", by Simon and Garfunkel - The Graduate

...Spell Check.

money for nothin

i have so many f'ing jobs, the hardest part is keeping them straight. i simply couldn't do it without horace! little guy's like a second brain.

my latest gig is perhaps the most interesting yet. i landed a job commentating soccer matches for the local J1 (professional) team, Vissel Kobe. maybe not as exciting as it first sounds... i don't sit in a booth, wear a tie, or have my ticket paid for. nay, i commentate via cell phone to one guy sitting in front of a computer. he in turn updates a web system. the web system broadcasts the game "live" to tens, hundreds, or thousands (i have no idea how many) of viewers interested in tracking the progress of the bets they previously placed on said game through said web system.

i don't know where the viewers are, or what they use for currency, but i like to think that there are millions of {insert unknown currency} riding on my every word. it kind of provides a little pressure to perform. i don't have to mention player names or use fancy adjectives, just basically state which team has possession and where they are on the football pitch (that's "soccer field" for any americans who may be reading).

i was a bit surprised at the stress early on, as i struggled to not confuse home and away, free kicks and throw-ins, quick changes in possession, etc. i made a few small mistakes, including missing a yellow card (shhhhh......), but i think i got all the important stuff right. i had occasional help from my british mate (that's friend, again for the americans) who understands the sport a great deal more than myself. i plan to get in on a lot more of this hot, non-stop action, and maybe eventually move on to sumo (if only to satisfy bro-san's vicarious desires).

the atypical office setting. a retractable dome which was closed today due to rainy weather. pretty cool to be in a dome, but holy shit, LOUD. at times tough to hear the broken english of my cellular counterpart.

poo parking. 24 hours!

pronoun-ciation

'eem recalls a silly semantic status.

back in 'eem's day, the age old "got him" was for a time cleverly and deliberately mispronounced "got 'eem" by 'eem of high social standing. this catchy phrase was generally employed immediately post-prank. quite annoyed by this ridiculous mutation of middle-class american english, 'eem and 'eem's main man collectively decided that "him" should best not remain the sole victimized pronoun. "nay", 'eem decided. " 'eem'll be comprehensive, or 'eem simply shan't find purchase in modern society" 'eem thought. henceforth, 'eem's vocabulary evolved in a manner quite unorthodox, albe'eem incredibly entertaining.

'eem mostly enjoys the construction of new english. here and there a new challenge is presented, and furthermore 'tis unknown to 'eem. when 'eem get's into an etymological rhythm, 'eem can quite easily bore with 'eem's native tongue. instead, 'eem recommends branching out, expanding 'eem's vocabulary in ways unexplored and unexpected by 'eem. there are perhaps numerous other undiscovered universal pronouns at 'eem's disposal, but unless 'eem experiments daily, 'eem'll never realize 'eem's true linguistic potential.

"These Are My Twisted Words", by Radiohead

"Words That I Manifest (Remix)", by Gang Starr - Full Clip - A Decade of Gang Starr

"What Deaner was Talking About", by Ween - Chocolate and Cheese

Interview Prep with Lil' Mikey

1. Forget to bring something, ideally the only thing you were asked to present.

2. Forget the meeting time. Instead, arrive an hour early.

3. Find holes in your "sweet" pants moments before the arranged (and forgotten) meeting time.

4. Get uncomfortably high on caffiene whilst killing the aforementioned blown hour.

By following these simple steps, you'll operate with a relaxed, "fuck it" attitude, and surely gain the upper hand!

ocular wounds revisited

the other day i taught the same class of japanese children what hosted my debut as a babysitter children's english teacher. i remember the first time, i was completely unprepared, and ran out of activities after five minutes. there were bloody noses, kids climbing out of windows, and others picking my pocket. absolutely no control.

this time, there was no struggle, and i actually enjoyed it. while still not as natural as teaching adults, it made me realize that anything can be accomplished through experience. i don't think this idea is quite applicable to neurosurgery or explosive diffusion, but i'm pretty sure i can learn to do almost anything.

this one goes out to all'y'all causing me to clean my shoes 'bout once a month or so. you know who you are.