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before making my home the J, i had but three images of this long, skinny place. Samurai, Sushi, and Sumo. sushi is old news at best, as i easily ate it more often in God's Country than here it's native land. samurai are quite hard to come by these days, although i did see a bunch of dudes dressed like ninjas during my last visit to himeji castle. thus, of my cultural japanese experiences was left sumo. (i understand that geisha can be found on occasion hurriedly wandering the streets of kyoto, but as "geisha" doesn't start with "s", it doesn't fit into my sweet quip.)

after much prodding from my incredibly astute brother (recently more commonly referred to as "bro-san"), i decided to inherit his initiative. i quickly discovered that the 2010 March Grand Sumo Tournament was to be held in Osaka, more or less the next city over. more importantly, the cheap seats only cost two grand. i was on it at once.

i enlisted the help of a real japanese person to help me understand the finer points of the national sport. unfortunately, we arrived too late for the nosebleeds, and had to shell out a few extra G's. as usual when it comes to money, i thought "fuck it". "when's the next time i'll get to see sumo?" i said. indeed, possibly the best money yet spent in this great, long, skinny land. i quickly realized the next time i'll get to see sumo will hopefully be incredibly soon...

here are some of the day's highlights:

front of osaka prefectural gymnasium. didn't look like much, but housed some of the biggest asians i've ever seen. there were so many gaijin (aliens; foreigners) attending the event, at times i felt i was in NYC or something. on one street corner, i actually felt i was a part of the majority. i've recently been asking every japanese person i know if they've been to sumo or not. mostly the response is "no". further explanation is almost always the same. they explain that a long time ago, the best rikishi (sumo wrestlers) were japanese. now, most of the really good ones are gaijin, and this bothers many of the natives. i generally implore them to simply eat more, and try a bit harder.

outside and inside, there were tons of rikishi. my jaw dropped at every single one of them. "holy shit! it's a sumo wrestler!!! wow, there's another!" it went on like this for HOURS.

the matches start at something like 8:45 in the AM. there aren't more than 10 people in the crowd until round about 2. these guys are represent the lower level, and don't bother much with all the fancy showmanship. pretty much all biznass with these malnourished mofos.

two words.... MIS MATCH. little man got bounced with the quickness.

this is the scoreboard. the top row reps "nishi" (west), and the bottom row reps "higashi" (east). each pair is a match. i couldn't read any of it.

prior to the main event, all the higher level dudemen come out and parade around the ring.

the crowd gathers around 3, the telecast begins around 4.

gaijin standoff. homeboy on the left is Kotoshu, an abnormally large bulgarian. other guy is Baruto from estonia. he pretty much cleaned up this tournament, and subsequently got promoted to the next skill level (ozeki). both of them have a solid shot at being the first european yokozuna. speaking of estonia, anyone remember encino man? i always thought they made that country up.

at the beginning of every match, this guy gets up and sings "nishi" followed by the rikishi's name, then "higashi" followed by the rikishi's name. then the mentioned wrestlers enter the ring and prep themselves for battle.

yokozuna is the highest achievable skill level. last month, the sumo world was shocked by the news of asashoryu's retirement. he was a mongorian yokozuna with an attitude problem, and was more or less forced to withdraw by the incredibly conservative sumo community. imagine if every american football player who fucked up off the field were forced to quit playing. it's kind of like that. anyways, this is hakuho, currently the only yokozuna. he is also mongorian. it's my understanding that they have a sport quite similar to sumo there, which is why so many of them kick ass.

this is my main man. takamisakari is reppin' nishi (left side). i don't really have a good reason for favoring him. i've seen him on TV outside of the ring wearing glasses, which maybe makes him seem a bit deeper than most. he's a crowd pleaser, as you can tell. he lost this match, but he was the most spectacular loser of the whole day.

here go a prime example of the build-up. for the seasoned viewer, the time leading up to the match is ever so much more exciting than the match itself. basically it involves flexing on your opponent until the adrenaline reaches the proper level, and a silent agreement allows the bout to commence. back in the day this pre-match hard-assness was allowed to continue indefinitely. some time ago, it was limited to 10 minutes, and then recently to four minutes.

in short, i've never had so much fun in japan, the two rikishi i was rooting for lost, and hakuho won the tournament with an impressive 15 and 0 record. at the green age of 25, i've heard tell that he is on track to be the winningest yokozuna ever. i left the venue wondering if i can take him, and also where i can score one of those sweet g-strings.

english time!!!

cigarette smokin' pieces of shit, entre.

and bagel.

oh boy, does she ever know muffin..... the best part about bad japanese english is it's startling efficiency.